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August 26, 2008
Resistance to Boundaries
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| by: Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend |
Unresolved Grief and Loss
If the “unmet needs” resistance has to do with getting “good” grief has to do with letting go of the “bad”. Many times when someone is unable to set boundaries, it is because they cannot let go of the person with whom they are fused. Jane kept trying to get her need for a caring and loving father met. Jane was going to have to let go of what she could never have: her father’s love. This was going to be a huge loss to her.
The Bible is full of examples of God asking people to “leave behind” the people and lives that are not good for them. He asked the Israelites to leave Egypt to have a better life, but many of them kept looking back, holding on to what they thought was better. When Lot and his wife left Sodom, the warning was to not look back, yet she did, and turned to salt.
The basic rule in biblical recovery is that the life before God is not worth holding on to; we must lose it, grieve it, and let go so that he can give us good things. We tend to hold on to the hope that “someday they will love me” and continue to try to get someone who is unable to love us to change. This wish must be mourned and let go so that our hearts can be opened to the new things that God wants for us.
Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To start to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed.
We play the “if onlys” instead of having boundaries. We say to ourselves, unconsciously, “if only I would try harder instead of confronting his perfectionistic demands, he will like me.” Or “if only I would give in to her wishes and not make her angry, she will love me.” Giving up boundaries to get love postpones the inevitable: the realization of the truth and the letting go and moving on with life.
Let’s look at the steps you need to take to face this internal resistance:
1. Own you boundarylessness. Admit that you have a problem. Own the fact that if you are being controlled, manipulated, or abused, the problem is not that you are with a bad person and your misery is their fault. The problem is that you lack boundaries. Don’t blame someone else. You are the one with the problem.
2. Realize the resistance. You may think, “Oh, I just need to set some limits,” and that you are then on the road to getting better. If it were this easy, you would have done it years earlier. Confess that you do not want to set boundaries because you are afraid. You sabotage your freedom because of inside resistance (Rom. 7:15, 19)
3. Seek grace and truth. As in every other step in the process, you cannot face these hard truths in a vacuum. You need the support of others to help you own up to your internal resistance and also to empower you to do the work of grief. Good grief can only take place in relationship. We need grace from God and others.
4. Identify the wish. Behind the failure to set limits is the fear of loss. Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you choose to live. Place a name on it. Who are you going to have to place on the altar and give to God? Your strong tie to that person is keeping you stuck. “You are not restrained by us, but are restrained in you own affections” (2Cor. 6:12 NASB). Like the Corinthians who could not open up to Paul’s love, you get stuck in your “affections,” your ties to people you need to let go of.
5. Let go. In the safety of your supportive relationships, face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes. This will be like a funeral. You will go through the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. You may not necessarily go through these stages in this order, but you will probably feel all these emotions. This is normal.
Get with your supportive people and talk about you losses. These wishes run very deep and may be very painful to face; you may need to see a professional counselor. To let go of what you never had is difficult. But in the end you will save your life by losing it. Only God can fill the empty place with the love of his people and himself.
6. Move on. The last step in grieving has to do with finding what you want. “Seek and you will find.” God has a real life out there for you if you are willing to let go of the old one. He can only steer a moving ship, though. You have got to get active and begin to seek his good for you.
You will be amazed how much can changed in your life when you finally begin to let go of what you can never have. All of your attempts to preserve the old life were taking a lot of energy and opening you up to a lot of abuse and control. Letting go is the way to serenity. Grief is the path.
Next week: Internal Fears of Anger
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For more information on resources from Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, visit their web site at www.cloudtownsend.com |
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