SheilaWalsh.Com

07-08-03

QUESTION: I am 37 years old and have a very difficult relationship with my Mom. She has been a Christian and Pastor's wife for years. However, she is very critical, negative, and controlling, and very often hurts those around her. She has been this way for as long as I can remember. My siblings and Dad just kind of tip toe around her. How can I "honor" her as God would want me to. I am to the point where I do not even want her to visit. Thanks for any help you can give me. I love your column and no-nonsense advice.
ANSWER: Your mother has a well-established system that works for her. She's difficult, critical and controlling. Your dad and siblings then tip toe around in order to keep the peace. The problem with that system is there is no peace. Everyone is always on edge never knowing when you'll all need to grab the ballet slippers for the next round of toe work. Your mother needs a loving but firm picture of how her behavior is affecting you. She needs to know your relationship is so uncomfortable you're tempted to hang up your ballet shoes. She will probably deny her patterns exist or that they are a challenge to everyone. If you are willing to make a kind but firm stand, you'll be doing both of you a favor. Perhaps she does not know how toxic her behavior is. If, however, she is unteachable and accuses you of a bad attitude, you may want to buy yourself some Birkenstocks and take a walk.

QUESTION: I was born an orthodox Jew and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior six years ago. I had followed the Old Testament most of my life. I'm blessed to know the Father as well as the Son. However, sometimes I get caught up in all the "rules" and what is right.when I'm confused with something. I usually ask myself," well is it specifically in the bible?" so I would greatly appreciate your opinion on tattoos. In Leviticus 19:28 it says not to have tattoos yet I have never heard a pastor talk on this subject. Is it wrong to get a tattoo?
ANSWER: As a new believer in Jesus Christ, you are no longer living under the law. You are free from rule keeping. I suggest you read and then reread the book of Galatians every single day. It so clearly pronounces our freedom based on God's grace through Jesus who kept the law for us. You receive freedom from law keeping as a result of God's love and plan to set us free from ourselves and our sin. Our freedom is Christ! Plain and simple. "So ", you say, what about a tattoo? You are free from that law. But may I ask why do you want one" Have you considered the possible health risks that come from tattoos? May I also ask, what does a tattoo represent to you? Is there any rebellion in it? If so, years later, when you are no longer rebelling, you may regret disfiguring your skin. Figure out what's behind your desire for a tattoo. If you still feel you must have one, God will not fall off His throne over it.

QUESTION: We are struggling in our church right now over whether or not to have a children's church. This would be for ages 4-10. The kids would come into the service and then leave for a time of worship on their level during the sermon in the sanctuary. What are your feelings on this?
ANSWER: I love the concept of children's church. Children's church was for me a great opportunity to learn basic Bible truths presented on my level. Even though my father was the pastor, I was thrilled to escape his preaching. It also eliminated my desire to play tic-tac-toe on my mother's arm during his sermons. I think children's church is a win-win for everyone.

QUESTION: I do not understand the verse in 1Timothy 4:9-10, in the NIV translation it says, "This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in a living God, who is savior of all men, and especially those who believe." Can you help me to understand what "" "all men, and especially those who believe" are saying I thought God came to save the world by sending His one & only Son. That whosoever believes would not perish but have everlasting life. How is He the savior of all men & especially those who believe? I'm confused.
ANSWER: God is the Savior for those who choose to receive Jesus. Those who refuse that offer of salvation do not believe. That is the unfortunate choice of many persons. God's choice is to receive His creation into His family. His choice is always to be our Savior.

QUESTION: First, thank you and the other porch pals for another fabulous conference. My daughter and I saw you in Anaheim. Now the question. Marilyn, I had no idea of your extensive academic background, so I would particularly value your opinion and ideas. My son is 19 and totally blind from birth. He is the most Christ-like person I've ever met, and almost everyone who knows him says the same. He wants to be a hospital chaplain and a youth minister. Thus he must go to seminary after graduating from a 4 yr. college. He tries hard and has a wonderful, positive attitude, but school is challenging for him. Yet he does achieve: Graduated from high school this year with a 3.4, but in basic classes. Earned a varsity letter in track, not for winning but for showing up. Earned the coach's award from a coach who didn't even want him on the track team four years earlier. Auditioned and sang a solo in the school choir and was given the annual spirit award for choir by the kids (no teacher involvement in this award). Truly he has charisma and is loved. Should he change his career goals, or is there a nurturing, small Christian college that would enjoy the challenge of helping him become a minister--and is there a similar type of seminary that you know of? Or do you have any other ideas of a career that would give him the opportunity to love and care for people and be an example of God's love for everyone? Any and all ideas appreciated! Thanks!
ANSWER: Your son sounds like an utter delight. What an honor to him that God has so uniquely gifted him with drive, determination to rise above his circumstances, and a love for the things of God. During my ten years on the English faculty at Biola University, we had a blind student who also won the hearts of everyone because of his over-coming spirit. He too went on to seminary. It sounds as if God has called your son to some form of ministry. You have every reason to be very proud of him. I can easily endorse the warm and nurturing environment of the Biola student body as well as faculty. Talbot seminary is on the adjoining property of Biola and offers outstanding training for ministry. My caution to you is that you release your understandable protectiveness. That boy's a winner and he won't be held back!

QUESTION: I just saw you last weekend at Women of Faith. You gals are AWESOME. I have a strange question for you. I have developed over the course of the last 10 years or so an aversion to physical closeness with anyone; men, women and especially my husband. Even casual contact, a handshake, a hand on my shoulder or a hug from a friend can make me pull away. I don't exactly avoid social situations but when I go I have to have the seat on the end of the aisle in anticipation of contact. I don't have any problem with my kids though. It has been building over the last 10 years or so and my husband and I have been praying over it for about 5 years. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you.
ANSWER: If your aversion to social contact has been growing for ten years, it's time to do something about it. The good thing is your husband is supportive and praying with you But as I'm sure you know, no contact between the two of you greatly strains the relationship. Another good thing is you can physically relate to your children. For reasons that hopefully counseling will help you understand, you are not feeling safe. That lack of safety has a root cause. You need to discover what is buried away in your psyche. What happened that traumatized you? When did it happen? You can't say nothing happened simply because you show symptoms that something did. There are answers; they just need to surface. In addition to counseling, I suggest reading my book The Zippered Heart. In it I discuss the various toxic invaders that take up residence in our hearts and cause us to have problems dealing with life. I have a feeling you have some major shame issues in your background. You don't deserve the consequences of that shame and I'd love to see you evict those invaders. That's possible Sweet Baby - get on with it.